Being a lawyer is tough. Being a new mom is tough. Being both, unimaginatively difficult. For myself the thought of trying to balance motherhood and lawyering is something that has been on my mind for years. I imagine this is normal for female lawyers and especially true for those of us managing our own caseload and building a growing practice. Other than the basics, I did not know what to expect. I knew that no two experiences would be the same so drawing on what other people did may not apply to me or my baby. I knew that its been done before and it will be done again. And I knew that it would be challenging but I have never been one to back down from a challenge.
Being a lawyer is tough. Being a new mom is tough. Being both, unimaginatively difficult.
Lesson #1 It will be Hard
Everyone tells you that being a parent is difficult. But there are no words to describe just how difficult it is. There is nothing else in the whole world that compares to it. You really do have to experience it to understand it. Its hard, harder that you could ever anticipate but even more worth it than you could imagine. There is nothing like holding your tiny child, watching him smile at you, or just watching them sleep peacefully. Having a baby is a miracle and a true blessing.
Lesson#2 You have to Give Up Control
If you are anything like me, control is everything. Schedules, plans, charts, itineraries, these are some of my favorite things. Babies, believe it or not, do not adhere to plans, schedules or itineraries. In fact, they do not like rigidity at all. While they enjoy consistency and structure, its still a far cry from a schedule. Gone are the days when you can plan each day, week and month with precision. I’m told this gets better as they age… but to be honest, I think this is a permanent change to some degree.
Lesson#3 The Internet Lies
Do any Google search about babies, their development, sleep and so forth you will be left with the expectation that babies a few months old sleep 14-18 hours a day and easily follow an “eat, play, sleep” routine and that baby would just sleep for his naps. That’s a lie.
The books also lie. The internet and baby books tell you how things should be. You need to be consistent, you need to establish a routine either parent or baby led. You need to make sure baby does not get over tired, over stimulated, you need to make sure baby is adequately stimulated and resting well. You need to put baby down drowsy but not sleeping. Baby needs to learn to sleep, to learn to self sooth. The list goes on. But what every internet resource and book out there are missing, is what to do when your baby does not adhere to the “rules”. What does one do when baby cried through nap time. Do we start again? Eat play sleep? But this means that we skip sleep and go right back to eat and play. If we do that then surely baby is over tired and overstimulated. Or do we just keep at it trying to get baby to sleep? Surely then baby is too hungry to sleep. What then?
Thankfully there is a wonderful resource called sleep consultants. Mine was amazing. While we still do not have 100% predictability we do have regular nap schedule that allows momma to plan a day, at least to some degree. This has been a true saviour. I cannot recommend sleep training enough. Once your little human is old enough or is experiencing significant issue with sleep, hire a sleep consultant. Sleep training does not mean you have to let your baby cry it out. Once we implemented the strategies our son not only slept great but was far less fussy and there were far fewer tears than when we were trying to rock him to sleep. Sleep training will change your life.
Lesson #4 Momming and Lawyering are Polar Opposites
You have a challenging legal problem… easy. Read more. Learn more. Research. Apply. Problem solved.
Its doesn’t matter how much you research, read, learn and attempt to apply. There is a variable that just isn’t the same as law, a human being. One that cannot tell you what they want, need or feel and one that has his own freewill. That and there is so much conflicting information out there between the internet, books, and people providing you with advice. Even the experts cannot agree. Its like there needs to be a Court of Appeal or Supreme Court of parenting to ensure that there is some form on consensus on the major issues. But there is not, alas parenting in the first few months is trial and error, what works for baby.
In law you identify a problem and fix it. In parenting there are no objective “problems” because what is a problem for one family is not a “problem” for another. You have to ask, is this a problem for me and why, or is it a problem for my child, any why. Once you have identified a “problem” then you have to find appropriate ways to address it that is right for you and your little one. There are no real rules or laws to guide you.
Lesson #5 The Guilt is Real
Mom guilt is real. Especially when it came to my decision to go back to work full time when my little man was only 15 weeks old. While I enjoy great flexibility with my schedule it was still work that demanded my attention. It meant I had to rely on someone else to help me with him and even meant there were times when I couldn’t and wouldn’t be there. The guilt of that is hard to deal with.
So too is the guilt of wanting to go back to work. I missed working with my clients and achieving results for them. I missed the structure of my days and the feeling of satisfaction when you are truly helping others. This does not mean I love being a mom any less. I love every bit of being a mom, even the less glamorous parts like getting up several times a night to nurse or sucking boogers from that tiny little nose.
I am fortunate to have family available to help out and be around when I need them. But, knew that there would be a time when this arrangement would not work anymore. When I needed to have … day care. When our son was 8 months old he started day care and as we got closer and closer to the date it became a consuming thought for me.
How do you choose one? How can I let a stranger look after my baby? Am I a terrible mother to put my child in day care at 8 months old? Will that harm him? Will it harm me? How will I be able to handle that emotionally? Will the guilt eat me alive because I should be at home looking after him? Will there be any benefits for him? Will I be mom shamed? The questions are endless.
I was scared. But as it turns out the two months he was in daycare ( before COVID) were great. Our son loved going to his Montessori school. He was super happy to see his teachers in the morning, loved playing with other kids, and was happy when we picked him up. He learned quickly and was stimulated in new ways. It also allowed me to really focus on work when it was time to work. I was able to start picking up my networking and marketing activities as well as getting our household back onto a defined, but not rigid, schedule. It was the firs time I really felt like myself again. It also let me focus on being a mom when I was with him. It made our time special. Not to mention the reduction in marital stress as we now both had time to do our work.
Lesson # 6 Surrender
Part of parenting is being comfortable with the unknown. Its being flexible and going with the flow. Its trial and error to some degree. The best advice I can give is to just surrender to the process and the unknown. To enjoy the ride and soak up every minute and every feeling because this won’t last forever. I try to remind myself of this often because one day my tiny peanut will be grown and I’ll be missing every single minute of this difficult and deeply rewarding time.